Feedback is one of the most powerful tools for growth—but it’s also one of the most emotionally charged. Whether you’re giving or receiving it, feedback can stir up feelings of discomfort, defensiveness, or even self-doubt. Mastering the delicate art of both delivering and receiving feedback is crucial for healthcare leaders, as it is one of the most critical competencies shaping your effectiveness.
The emotional side of feedback
Feedback often triggers an emotional response because it speaks to how we see ourselves. When receiving feedback—especially if it’s critical—our inner critic can be activated, leading to feelings of inadequacy or defensiveness. We might start questioning our abilities or feel rejected. Similarly, when giving feedback, there’s often a worry about how it will land: “Will it hurt their feelings? Will they resist it? Will it lead to conflict?”
One of the most insightful lessons I’ve learned, and one that’s echoed in “Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well” by Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone, is that receiving feedback is inherently emotional. As they explain, it’s often less about the content of the feedback and more about how it is delivered and how we interpret it. By becoming aware of these emotional reactions, we can manage them and approach feedback with openness, allowing it to be a tool for personal and professional growth.
Preparing to receive feedback as a gift
One of the foundational principles of effective leadership is the ability to receive feedback without it feeling like an attack on your character. If you see feedback as a gift, it becomes a valuable opportunity for learning rather than something to fear.
Here’s how I guide my clients in preparing for feedback:
- Shift your mindset: Reframe feedback as a learning opportunity, not a judgment on your worth or abilities. When you approach feedback with curiosity, you begin to see it as a chance to grow.
- Stay open and curious: Instead of reacting defensively, practice active listening. Ask questions to understand the feedback better, and show a willingness to dig deeper.
- Practice self-compassion: Feedback is about behavior, not identity. Remind yourself that you are not being judged as a person, but as a leader or team member in a specific context.
Stone and Heen suggest a key insight here: Separate the feedback from your identity. The feedback is not about who you are; it’s about what you did in that moment or situation. By preparing mentally and emotionally, you can create space for reflection, allowing yourself to internalize feedback and use it constructively.
Asking the right questions as a leader and coach
As a healthcare executive coach, I often begin by asking my clients, “How do you like to receive feedback?” Understanding this personal preference is crucial for tailoring the feedback process in a way that resonates most effectively with the individual.
I also ask, “What emotional response do you often have when you receive feedback?” This simple question can reveal a great deal about how feedback is perceived, whether it triggers defensiveness, discomfort, or openness.
Next, I follow up with questions like:
- “Do you prefer feedback that is direct and to the point, or do you prefer it delivered with some softness and kindness?”
- “What has worked best for you when receiving feedback?”
- “Can you recall a time when feedback helped you become even more effective?”
Heen and Stone also highlight that feedback often falls into three categories, or “buckets” as they describe them: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Each type of feedback stirs different emotional responses. Some people are more receptive to appreciation, others respond best to coaching (which focuses on improvement), and some prefer evaluative feedback that measures performance.
By asking these questions, I can better understand how my clients respond to each type of feedback, which in turn allows me to offer it in a way that’s more likely to be received positively and constructively.
Giving feedback with impact and respect
Giving feedback is just as nuanced as receiving it. Effective feedback isn’t just about pointing out areas for improvement; it’s about communicating in a way that inspires growth, respect, and a willingness to act.
Here’s what I emphasize when coaching clients on delivering feedback:
- Be specific and focused: Rather than saying, “You need to improve,” offer clear examples of what needs to change and why. Specificity creates clarity.
- Balance the positive and the constructive: I often recommend the “feedback sandwich” technique: delivering constructive feedback between two positive comments. This balanced approach softens the impact and makes it easier for the recipient to digest.
- Be empathetic: Always consider how the other person might feel. Your feedback should show that you care about their growth and development, not just about addressing a flaw.
Heen and Stone remind us that feedback should always be both honest and respectful. When feedback is too soft, it may be perceived as insincere; when it’s too harsh, it can lead to resistance. As leaders, the challenge is to strike a balance where feedback is delivered clearly, kindly, and with the goal of growth.
Triggers and self-protective strategies
Feedback, especially if it’s unexpected or poorly delivered, often activates self-protective mechanisms. These include defensiveness, denial, or withdrawal: strategies we adopt unconsciously to safeguard our self-esteem. Heen and Stone describe these emotional reactions as “triggers”—deeply rooted beliefs or sensitivities that cause us to react in certain ways when feedback challenges our sense of self.
As leaders, understanding these triggers, both in ourselves and in others, allows us to manage our responses more thoughtfully. When we recognize that feedback may activate a trigger, we can give ourselves time to process it, respond thoughtfully, and avoid knee-jerk reactions. This is especially critical when working with team members or coachees who may be experiencing the same defensive responses.
The role of stakeholder and supervisor feedback in transformational coaching
One of the most powerful aspects of transformational leadership coaching is the role of feedback from external stakeholders and supervisors. Their insights provide an invaluable, objective perspective on your leadership style, strengths, and areas for growth. When working with a coachee, I encourage them to seek feedback from those who work most closely with them. These external viewpoints offer fresh perspectives and can pinpoint blind spots that may be difficult to identify on your own.
Heen and Stone emphasize that feedback from multiple sources helps us see ourselves more fully and accurately. In transformational coaching, this feedback is not only crucial for building self-awareness but for honing the skills necessary to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics, align with organizational goals, and continue evolving as a leader.
The coach’s role in elevating feedback skills
As a coach, part of my role is to help coachees elevate their ability to both give and receive feedback. Through guided reflection, I help them recognize their emotional responses to feedback, understand their triggers, and create strategies for managing those reactions. This process is essential for healthcare leaders who want to foster a culture of feedback within their organizations. Coaching creates a safe space where leaders can practice receiving and giving feedback, develop new skills, and strengthen their emotional intelligence.
The process of feedback, both as a giver and receiver, becomes a transformational experience when guided with intention and care. With the support of a coach, feedback can shift from something that feels threatening or uncomfortable into a tool for personal growth, team development, and organizational success.
Growing your ability to give and receive feedback
Mastering your ability to give and receive feedback is one of the most impactful competencies you can develop as a healthcare leader. When approached with openness, curiosity, and respect, feedback becomes a powerful tool for continuous improvement. As a coach, I guide leaders in developing the emotional resilience and self-awareness necessary to embrace feedback, respond thoughtfully, and use it to elevate their leadership effectiveness.
As Heen and Stone advise in “Thanks for the Feedback,” this is a skill that can be developed with practice and self-awareness. It is through this ongoing practice—whether in coaching conversations or everyday professional interactions—that feedback becomes the gift that keeps on giving, enhancing both the individual and the organization.
